hello world.
im currently typing with tears streaming down my cheeks without any apparent reason. it just flows down and wont stop. just how i used to be when i wasnt okay.
im not even THAT sad but im crying endlessly. might sound alarming but i've gone through this before and i know that this is perfectly normal, just maybe exhausting along the way.
this morning.. i dreamed of my dad. my dad passed away 4 years ago. in the dream, weirdly, my parents were divorced. (in reality, my parents were still married when my dad passed away so yeah idk why my dream went like this. weird.) i was in the car with my mom, holding my nephew who i'm currently babysitting now in real life. my mom went to get some food and i waited in the car with the baby. then i went out from the car and (i think) i gave the baby to my mom. then, it was raining. i saw some big umbrellas like the ones they use in night markets. maybe i was at the night market? not sure. then i saw my dad. i ran to him and hugged him as if i haven't seen him in ages. it's logical in this dream bcs u know, when parents divorce u'd stay with either one of ur parents and would meet the other one less. so i'd assume i'm staying with my mom after they got divorced (again, this only happened in my dream). and of course it's true in my real life too cause i haven't met my dad for 4 years. i hugged him and he wanted to let go but i held on to him tighter. then i cried. he held me back, i cried harder. and.... i woke up. with real tears in my eyes on my bed.
wild, huh? i googled about it and i found-
"When you wake up crying real tears, or simply feeling profoundly sad for no apparent reason, it's because you have finally touched upon some buried grief through a dream. You may have released all the grief, or there may be more to come. Either way, when you wake up crying, it is good and healing." via janeteresa.com
also, it's possible that i'm going through a second wave of grief...
"Grief is not an event. Some people call it the second wave. Some people call it the other shoe dropping. Some people call it re-grieving. Whatever you call it, I can define it for you like this: “the feeling of your loss happening yesterday.”" via medium.com
soooo yep. as long as it's normal and not concerning, i'm fine with it. i know this is my body telling me something. maybe to remind me to get closer to Him, maybe my body's telling me that i'm not happy, maybe my body is telling me to take better care of it. who knows. but knowing that it's completely normal gave me such a huge relief. i was actually surprised when i woke up crying. i thought i would only see it in movies. lol
i'll try my hardest to get better. i'm blogging this to remind myself about this because i definitely need to be updated on my mental health. i'm gonna make sure i'll heal properly and wholly. i'm gonna make sure of that! maybe i'll pick up on something calming and therapeutic. some painting and sewing might help loosen me up!
aight, be sure to take good care of yourself especially your mental health! and enjoy some calming music by Ahn Hyejin!
