😐

been pushing a lot of things off my mind lately. as if it was just dust. it's dusty here in my fuzzy brain. 

i think i am not trying enough. i think i rely on others too much. then again... don't i at least deserve to rely on someone who truly cares about me?

i've been reading so much about this pain. i've been waiting for this heartache to go away. but when? will it ever? is waiting enough? i want it to chase it away, but how? how do i do it, when i cant even talk about what i feel without me upsetting someone?

of course, when they talk about existence..... they tell u that u matter. they would tell u that u are not a burden. but what do they know? they're not the ones who are having me as a burden. they're not the ones who are sick of my existence. if they know me, perhaps they would change that statement.

i wish my dad were still here. if he's here, he would listen to me without making me feel bad. he would hug me when he see me cry. he would treat me like i matter. cause deep down, i really do feel that i matter.. to me at least.

the day before yesterday, i felt like shit. i really felt like shit. i was so close to giving up. i was an inch away from doing the thing i would regret. i lied on my bed thinking about things i should not be thinking about.. that was when a miracle was sent my way. that's when i realize God really loves me. He doesn't want me to give up yet, so i shall not give up. 

maybe it's time for me to let go. i should not only focus on one person who doesn't care about my feelings because there are more people who do care about my feelings.. i should try to be a good person to everyone so that they won't feel what i'm feeling right now.

i don't know who's still reading my blog haha cuz i see like at least 2 views on each post...... which is freaky but thanks i guess.... but who are you...

also uh... if u know me in real life please pretend like u did not read this post haha. this has become my place to dump my stupid thoughts soz. yeah.. im okay btw. im okay..... 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand thats it bye.